Ask The Magic Question Before You Say I Do-索尼a350

Relationships I was sitting in my therapist’s office, close to tears. Week after week I would come in for a session and spew forth a litany of complaint. I was married to a man who couldn’t hold a job so we were always worried about money. He was also highly critical, lazy and irresponsible. I was grumbling about something I asked him to do, most likely pick up his dirty clothes off the floor, which seemed like a small favor, but he hadn’t followed through. I was angry and disappointed since I believed that my request was completely reasonable and I couldn’t understand why he kept acting so flaky. In my most piteous voice I asked, "Is this too much to ask?" I was shocked when my therapist replied, "No, except of him." How dare she not commiserate with me! I only wanted him to do what I wanted when I wanted it, and he would not. I tried to plead my case for making him out to be a louse and my therapist wouldn’t cooperate. She kept rubbing my nose in the concept that maybe this imperfect person was simply an imperfect, neurotic man and what you see is what you get. The next week when I started to go into my act again, she asked me a question that took me by surprise. "Can you accept this man, as he is today, that he may never change?" I wouldn’t answer because in that moment I realized that the answer might be "no." I am ashamed to say that I did not face the consequences of taking responsibility for staying with him and continued in that relationship for a few more years, insisting that my misery was all his fault. It took me many years to admit that I got something out of feeling like a martyr. Thankfully, I was able to learn from my painful relationship and eventually happily married a wonderful man and became a Marriage and Family Therapist. The most important thing I learned from my own journey was that the question my therapist asked me is the only question there is to ask when we are contemplating spending our lives with another person. It is also the only question to ask when a couple in a troubled relationship comes for help. I explain to them that we are each 100% responsible for our relationship. I choose you, and you allow yourself to be chosen. You choose me, and I allow myself to be chosen. No one forces us to move in together or to sign a marriage license. None of us are perfect, but we are doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. Therefore, when your partner or spouse keeps doing the same aggravating thing over and over again, even promising to change, but not following through, you need to remind yourself that you have chosen an imperfect person who is doing his or her best. What if that best is not good enough for you? Then you need to sit down in a quiet place and ask the magic question: Can I accept this person as he or she is today, that he or she may never change? Do not try to run away from your answer. Perhaps you may feel embarrassed or ashamed of your thoughts. Staying with someone you don’t truly accept and continuing to heap criticism on that person or punishing him or her is not fair. Switch roles for a moment. How do you feel at the thought that your partner can’t accept you as you are with your extra 20 pounds, your temper, the fact that you never got a college degree, or have a bad habit that you can’t overcome? Don’t you yearn for someone to love you just as you are today without strings? While you are pondering the magic question, you might want to ask if there is any benefit in being with someone you can’t accept. Do you secretly believe that you don’t deserve to be truly happy in love? Do you want sympathy from others about how noble you are to put up with such a challenging relationship? Is there something else? If we had to answer the magic question before we said, "I do," perhaps there would be less divorce and more happy relationships. About the Author: Gloria Arenson, MFT, treats stress, anxiety, trauma, phobias, and compulsions. She has authored How to Stop Playing the Weighting Game, A Substance Called Food, Born To Spend, Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing, Freedom At Your Fingertips and Procrastination Nation. ..GloriaArenson.. Article Published On: 相关的主题文章: